The Nothing lives in my neighborhood and I'm pretty sure he wants to eat me...

I hope you have all seen the Never Ending Story.  If not, this post will make no sense, so feel free to skip it, go watch the movie, and then continue reading. 

Anyway so the "Nothing" (G’mork, that huge dog from the movie) totally lives in my neighborhood.  He HATES me.  This thing is the size of a small elephant.  It acts like it was raised by a gang of serial killers dressed like clowns. (Those are the most terrifying kind.)  If it ever got the chance, I am fairly certain it would tear me limb from limb. 

I would avoid him, however he resides along the most direct path between my place and school.  I have taken to attempting to sneak past him.  This is problematic because creeping through the alley never looks good.  You know it’s bad when the hobo digging through your trash thinks you are shady...  

The Nothing is totally sadistic.  He is like a damn velociraptor, what with all the hiding, and stalking, and eating my soul...

Most mornings start pretty much the same.  I nervously tiptoe down the alley, approaching his territory, hoping that I will get to school with all of my internal organs more or less in the right spots.  When I am halfway past his house I foolishly start to think that maybe, just maybe, today will be different. Maybe he is inside or asleep, maybe he moved or got sent to go live on a farm in the country. (That happened to several of my dogs growing up, which I never understood, because we lived on a farm in the country.)  

My heart does a little leap of joy: the rabid behemoth is no more!  Tears of happiness begin to well up in my bleary eyes.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, he attacks the fence.  How something that big can be so swift and so silent I will never understand.  He has an uncanny ability to turn a tiny yard with a fire escape into a vast jungle with seemingly endless points of attack.  He’s like an urban Rambo Velociraptor. With rabies.  His favorite place to bark and snarl at me is from the upper balcony.  Sneak Attack Mother Trucker! 

I recover from my temporary blackout, throw my adult diaper in the dumpster (much to the chagrin of Hobo Jack), and silently thank whoever invented the chain link fence.  I attempt to scrape what little dignity I have left off the grimy oil streaked ground and make my way to school feeling like a manly man.

I think the reason this bothers me (other than the nightmares and public humiliation) is I am the only one he freaks out at. I have watched countless others walk through his domain and he does nothing, I walk by and he goes crazy. Maybe I just smell funny...

It must be my cologne. After all, 60% of the time, it works. Every time.

I hate the Nothing. 

*object in picture may be closer to ripping out your intestines than it appears.