Fancy Ketchup

Due to some odd circumstances I ended up being downtown 3 hrs before class.  I suddenly had the most intense urge for that forbidden morning pleasure, that greasy, culinary mouth-gasm. You know what I am talking about: McDonald’s breakfast.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the real life breakfast of champions. And hobos.

After sitting down and inhaling the first sandwich, I happened to take a break from greedily gobbling down perfectly processed concoctions that pass for breakfast food and noticed a lone ketchup packet staring at me from the grimy surface of my feast for one. It proudly bore labeling that seemed to be a tiny badge of honor:

F  A  N  C  Y    K  E  T  C  H  U  P

Wait, what?

What makes Mickey D’s ketchup packets so uppity and pretentious?  Perhaps it is the fact the ketchup comes in little space age disposable packets that always seem to be mysteriously sticky... (Let’s not dwell on that).  But, that can’t be the reason, plenty of condiments come in little sticky packets. Is there a special ingredient in the ketchup?  If I were a betting man, my money would be on high quality rat spit. 

The whole idea of a ketchup packet being fancy seems to play into a neglected marketing niche. Hobo-chic.  McDonald’s may have a large scheming plan to take “Derelicte” to a whole new level.  Jacobim Mugatu would be so proud.  Or pissed.  Not really sure which... 

Now, fancy condiments do exist.  We are all aware of the fanciness that is Grey Poupon. (Do they even make that stuff anymore?  I clearly am not a consumer of fancy things.)  Anyway long ago on a small tv far far away, there used to be commercials about rich old people in limos asking for Grey Poupon.  They of course spoke with stuffy accents dressed in tuxedos while going to the opera.  

Grey Poupon is the definition of a fancy condiment.  It’s made with 47 different herbs and spices, infused with baby seals’ tears, and is prepared by the classiest of oompa loompas in a french monastery.  Grey Poupon is a rich creamy golden color with visible flecks seasoning.  Fancy.  Standard mustard is a shade of yellow reminiscent of putrid alien bile.

Or so I have been told. Mustard is gross.

Other things can be fancy.  For example, Fancy Feast.  That stuff is delicious.  I always eat mine out of a crystal dish with sterling silver fork.  Although I am not entirely sure why all their commercials feature snotty, constipated looking cats...

So, why IS McDonald’s ketchup fancy?  It may be one of those mysteries we will never know.  Mostly because I am too lazy to ask.  I think the most plausible reason the ketchup is fancy is due to it’s obvious proximity to the Shamrock Shake.  The other 10 months of the year be damned.